Hatch Retirement Advisors

Bringing Clarity and Purpose to Caregiving and Family Dynamics

Part of our daily work includes having conversations about the complexities of providing care for aging family members, the range of costs for providing this care and the difficulty families have in planning around these issues. Yet, most people don’t think about such things until there is a crisis.

Why We Don’t Plan
Caregivers provide a wide range of services, from simple help such as grocery shopping, to complex medical procedures. Most of the healthcare in this country is unpaid and undocumented, performed by friends, neighbors, and family members. For some, caregiving occurs gradually over time. For others, it can happen overnight.

Unfortunately, many people postpone talking to their closest family about aging, finances and health and are then put in a position of making decisions under stress, without accurate information and with little time at hand.

Humans inherently put these conversations off because they are difficult and uncomfortable. From the perspective of the adult child, one would clearly rather not have to contemplate the passing of a parent. From the perspective of the parent, the last thing we want to think about is needing assistance as we age. Independence is vital for most of us and we don’t want to lose control over it.

So much so that, according to a 2010 study by AgeWave and Genworth Financial, maintaining good health is twice as important as any other factor when people reflect on how long they want to live; and people are over five times more worried about being a burden on their family than dying.

In fact, both aging parents and their adult children will lose independence and control if dialogue is not initiated. It doesn’t matter which side initiates, or even if a third party acts as a catalyst. And the simple fact remains that this conversation will only get harder as those involved get older and circumstances change. These conversations are not done in one day, it often takes months and sometimes longer to come to conclusions a family can be comfortable with.

The aforementioned 2010 study identified three core topics families have around caregiving: (1) what long term care options are most preferred, (2) what are the potential roles and responsibilities of different family members for managing care, and (3) how long term care needs would be paid for if they are needed.

Despite the importance of the topic, the vast majority of families have not had a comprehensive discussion regarding long term care. 91% of all Americans have not discussed all three topics with their spouses; 92% have not discussed all three topics with their adult children; and 94% have not discussed all three topics with their parents.

Having these conversations is clearly not an easy exercise. Sometimes, it will require some professional guidance, but it can be an empowering and liberating process. In assessing personal desires and sharing the planning with those you love, the impetus to get important documents and policies in place helps everyone get back to the business of enjoying their lives right now.

Starting the Conversation
Again, the sooner the conversation begins the better. A good place to start is by simply discussing the daily routine if that is unfamiliar territory. What is good? What is bad? What changes could be made?

Another child-parent conversation starter might begin with questions along the lines of who is involved in their daily lives, i.e. other relatives, neighbors, friends and professional relationships? Have any of these people been involved in their planning?

The foundation of these discussions often revolves around legal documents. The most important are: an up-to-date will, a living trust, a durable power of attorney (which assigns someone the authority to make financial and legal decisions on their behalf), an advance directive or living will (which expresses wishes for end-of-life care) and a power of attorney for health care (similar to the durable power of attorney, but aimed specifically toward medical decisions).

Focusing first on these tangible items and where they are located, paves the way for what these documents may or may not contain. The absence of one or several of these documents can even help move the conversation toward more specific topics such as inheritance, paying for care, housing options and final wishes. As the conversation unfolds it is important to remember not to rush things, keep and open mind and to truly listen.